Thursday, March 17, 2011

Picnic Rant and Other Woes

From the night where the Tsunami was supposed to devastate the Philippine eastern shores, I rode the bus to Laguna without even a second of shut eye. I took the opportunity of sleeping through the few hours of bus ride.

I went directly to Zeus’s house. There, I saw him slumped over on his father’s laptop, in a slacked position he very much tolerated. I dropped my back-breaking back-pack to a chair next to their front door, trying with all my might to contain the pain throbbing in my skull. Despite the lack of sleep and the pain I was experiencing, I was never the one to lose my cool. Rage is weakness, it is giving in to the senseless part of us that clings to the body and not the soul.
There is never an excuse for me to be angry, to be enraged and to be violent or to cause physical pain, or emotional pain. No matter how stressful, how there’s an unimaginable disaster on my face, there will never be an excuse for me to lose my temper.

Fund us!

Zeus needed my desktop computer once again so we had to go to my house to pick it up. He carried my bag to my place, a 10 minute walk from his place.
A few steps away from their gates, he started ranting about the things that have been happening. Quite the tragedy has he been experiencing and this I listened to until we got to our place.
There we loaded Teardrop (My desktop computer) to the trunk of my car. We drove all the way to his place and unloaded Teardrop in their living room. We had a conversation around dawn earlier in the day through Skpye and we have decided to take a break from everything we have been experiencing in these troubled times. By break, we mean picnic at Nuvali.
He took out the picnic basket and we began to put things in it such as a blanket, a tumbler filled with coffee in which I mixed myself, cheese, a book, digital camera, plates and utensils.
To Nuvali for some awesome picnic adventure!!

We didn’t even wait to arrive in Nuvali to expel our woes to each other. There, inside the car as I drove and he, sitting idly in the passenger seat, were words exchanged about everything that dared destroy our peace.
After having such conversation with him, I realized that equanimity does not suit me. Zeus embraces his emotions well, it’s so easy for him to entertain emotions. If he’s irritated, he won’t think to express it, it would come even if it were shards of icicles from his mouth. If I were irritated, I wouldn’t quickly act upon it. I would think and be in silence. Asking myself if I should say something or if it were something I could easily dismiss then, I would.
If I can control my emotions I would, then again if I were drunk, it is safe to assume that my equanimity has been thrown to the Pasig River.

But as a writer, I know that being able to let myself loose is necessary; feeling the myriad emotions we are all capable of. Perhaps weeping and letting my emotions get the best of me should happen once in a while.
Just as how Zeus is trying to cope up with his woes as of the moment, contained in that spectrum of bursting emotions… being absolutely dumbfounded in the situation that he has no idea where to begin. I think I know what that feels at least, the situation of not being able to stand up or fall to the ground…

“I’m so poor Nicky!” exclaimed Zeus
“We’re poor…” I second motioned. Our starving artists’ moment was in sync that day.
“Perhaps I should quit my job and find myself a benefactor?” I told Zeus
“Ano nga kaya? Kung namamakla siguro ako, hindi ako ganitong kahirap. Pero hindi ko kaya!” he said. I laughed at the idea. Isn’t it so easy to do that? Taking advantage of people without much of a qualm?

It is against my code of conduct to sleep my way to career advancements or to sleep with people just to fulfill carnal desires.
 “Maybe I can get donations from people? And they could fund me to finish my projects and novels. I don’t need much… I just need food and shelter. Suppose I would finish my book in Sagada?” I expounded on the idea of having a benefactor.

If there is someone out there who’s willing to fund me and help me finish my projects, please drop me a message. We can talk over dinner and I will show you my portfolios, we can also talk about my early childhood and life if necessary.

We arrived at Nuvali and found a spot overlooking the pond with a cool breeze, where the sun has slowly been setting and a milky-orange color painted half the sky. There, we laid down the blanket and we started making vegetarian sandwiches. Zeus started with his situation and my advice was, which is very much what I would usually tell people -
“Detach yourself, do not take in the sorrow and let go… Things will fall to the right places eventually. It’s not your problem, don’t make it your own.”
But his rebuttal was, he can’t detach himself to something that matters to him. Something that had grown in him… the same as feeling the pain of those you love. I thought it was typical for someone who functions daily, following the path his emotions pave.
I thought at that time that I was the wrong person to give an advice but I listened to him (if it were the least I could do), while drinking coffee, staring into the horizon and feeling the cool wind in my hair.
I know if it’s causing me pain, there was no recourse but to detach my emotions… Something I’ve learned to use often, it takes effort but it eases life.
I knew very well that equanimity won’t suit me but I still practice it, meditating whenever I could. Trying not to think too much and go for whatever it is that I want without expectations and preparing myself with whatever result I might get. Even getting the sudden pangs of wishing to be a monk someday…
I love silence most of all. Too much noise confuses me.

We stayed until the sky was devoured by darkness, but the freezing Laguna breeze compelled us to pack up. It was 9PM when we left the place and have planned to come back to the same spot the next day to catch the sunrise. We went back to our places with a sense of release I suppose.

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