Friday, February 25, 2011

Taking my leave...

I took a two day leave from office work because I thought I was going to Baguio. Unfortunately the trip was cancelled, because I wasn’t exactly sure if I wanted to go there, although it would have been nice.
So I had to make plans for my long weekend. I was riding the train this morning on the way to SM North Edsa, traveling for me means time for meditation and pondering with life. It was the holiday, I took a leave but if I went to work today, I would have earned 30% more of my daily rate.

I realized I was only writing articles because I wanted to eat, I wanted a place to stay and keep myself from asking money from my parents but I still ask money every now and then… Anyway, the things that I do at the office are somehow hindering me from finishing my projects. I found my weekends and evenings insufficient. It’s not enough, I need more time to finish my projects.
My friend Cholo told me to always organize my priorities. Apparently a tornado ran through my priorities and everything just seemed chaotic, which is exactly how I like it.

While traveling, I had this feeling of really wanting to be a monk someday. Perhaps climb a mountain, live there and wait for the end of the world. To throw everything that make up this non-sense of a world we live in.
Every day I see people, trying to make it through the day, trying to reach for their dreams, trying to feed others, trying desperately to alleviate pain, trying not to be in pain, trying, struggling… dying.

A few weeks ago, I have graduated in this Spiritual University that has 8,500 centers across the globe. They call it, graduate of the “knowledge”… and there are things that I know that I can’t share with anyone. A lot of things are kept in the University and only for its students to know and grasp, this knowledge… is not for the faint of heart.

If one knows the past, the present and future… how would one live it?
Would one die alive? In our university, to die alive has a different connotation unlike in our contemporary society where “To die alive” means you are either depressed, heart broken or devastated and doesn’t have the will to live anymore, to make it short, it means “suicidal”.

When suicidal comes into mind there are several people and things that pop in my head, people such as Maningning Miclat (Filipino-Chinese poet) , Sylvia Plath (American Poet/Writer), Pyramus and Thisbe (My favorite Mythological love story, second was Eros and Psyche), my ex-girlfriends…
They all have one thing in common, their deaths were romantically inclined except for my ex-girlfriends since none of them were successful (mind you, I wasn’t the reason for them being suicidal, they were already like that when I met them. The other one, though she did try to slit her wrist when we were still seeing each other, has issues – Not me)

I think I know why Sylvia killed herself and I don’t find it cowardly at all (she inserted her head in an oven). I suppose I’m a writer because I tend to romanticize almost everything or I could just simply be a romantic in the wrong time and age. It takes more guts and gonads to take your own life than another’s. There’s certain courage to point a gun to your head and pull the trigger however, there’s a difference with pre-meditated suicide and suicide of passion.

Here's a list of suicides in fiction and their methods for entertainment purposes. Ex: Madelyne Pryor, mentally commits suicide by forcing her mind to shut down (Wow... :U)
There’s a Great Wall of China difference with being so overwhelmed with your emotions that having a gun within reach compelled you to grab and blow your brains out to planning every single detail on how you would take your last breath by preparing the gun, perhaps by buying or borrowing, then commencing to the procedure of your designed death. The former has passion and lack of rationalizing while the other was determined and had willed it. But the end has the same answer to the deed… for some sort of twisted moment in the Universe… it was the only answer that presented itself to them, the rest was overlooked, ignored. It was that one sole answer to life, there was a void in their doomed yet beautiful life that only crossing the Rubicon could fill.

I’m afraid I would have to cut this short, I realized today that I would take leaves as often as I can even if they’re unpaid. I just realized my priorities… and sitting in a cubicle inside a lame office is not on top of the list.

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